Thanks for the kind reply. No need to read or write a long thing back if you’re not feeling it. Just know you’re a valuable person and there are many ways out of this. Hugs to you too!

Sounds horrible. I’m sorry about your dad and your action paralysis sounds brutal. I can definitely relate too.

I’ve struggled with it too up to my late 20s and my brother had a very serious case of it. For me, I stopped answering the phone for years during my depression until every last person who cared about me just stopped calling. I remember one day came where I realized it was my birthday late that afternoon. No one had called. Not a single person. “Well, this is it. You did it, Pudutr0n. Congrats.” I thought to myself.

I can’t blame them either. I wouldn’t take calls or answer the door. I just refused to live. I didn’t want to take part in society. I didn’t want to face the pressure of being judged by others for my every word, the state of my life and my lack of accomplishments. I felt shame about every ounce of my being and guilt for not ever showing up or picking up for anything or anyone. It was bad.

On some level I just wanted to disappear into not being remembered by anyone so I could take my own life in peace, knowing no one would care.

But that day never came. For some reason some people never, ever ever stopped caring. And depression can be horrible and push you to be a dick to people too. It did in my case, anyway.

When I started showing up again, there were some people who were just happy to see me. They didn’t care about the long list of failures I had accumulated, my lack of achievement, how weird I am, how I threw my life away, gained weight or had absolutely nothing to share. They didn’t want anything from me. They were just happy I was showing up. At first I couldn’t conceive the concept of unconditional care/love, but i’ll tell you. It exists. And not just by friends either. Some mental health professionals are this way too. On the other hand, some are psychopaths too, so there’s also that. heh.

I’m sorry you’re feeling the way you are. I’m sorry you can’t get out. I’m sorry you’re being blamed for something you didn’t do. I’m sorry you have no ways to give yourself joys. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. It sounds horrible and I’m sure you don’t deserve it.

There’s nothing to be afraid of and there’s nothing to be ashamed of regarding other people though. If I found anything at all during all my years of darkness, it’s that regardless of life conditions, there are some things that never stop mattering. In my case a big one was loved ones. I didn’t want to see them because I valued them too much to expose them to myself, and seeing their disappointment when they looked to or talked to me would have destroyed me. I felt bad about shutting them down. I really did. Not because of what I lost, but because I hurt them. I was on this constant insane guilt trip about it too which didn’t let me do anything to change, well, anything.

Anyway, I don’t know how it’s like for you, but I would advise you to take a good look at what’s still important to you and who still cares, because that information will be priceless for the rest of your life when you get out.

If you’re experiencing shame and guilt, just keep in mind the people that would want you to feel embarrassed, insufficient or not enough in any way because of your life, what you look like or what you’ve been through, those people are meaningless. You wouldn’t want to spend 5 seconds with them to begin with, even if you were on top of the world… and the people who wouldn’t want you to feel this way… they are the ones that matter, and guess what? They stick around. When they think you want them to, anyway. And they don’t care about the stuff you find so unforgivable or the questions that would make you feel “not enough” at a dinner party. They just care about you cause you’re you.

Maybe identify these people. They’re important. In my case, many of them are online, and some are family. It helps to talk to them when I feel I’m feeling bad, too. If you reach out to them, they’ll likely respond too, even if you feel bad for doing so.

INo one can get out of this for you and idk how long this will last but know this: when you do get out, you’ll have crystal clear notion of what and who truly matters in life. And that, my friend, is something of immense value.

I have faith in you and hope you make your way out of the hole soon.

Take care of yourself, M137. You deserve it. <3

Thanks! And yeah, definitely helps me, anyway. Have a good one!

I’m really sorry. That’s a lot. Sounds like you’re having a really bad time. I hope I had a solution for all of this but the truth is I don’t and no one probably does.

Even though it’s painful to think about, maybe it’s ok to accept things aren’t fine, though… Cause you know… maybe they’re not. Maybe it’s better to focus on the here and now and our inner worlds and come to terms with what we’re feeling, have our grieving processes and then be more practical.

To me instead of saying “ït’s fine. it’s fine. it’s fine. it’ll all be fine” I started thinking “Everything’s screwed and nothing is fine… but that’s ok. that’s how things are now. this is reality.”

It’s like the acceptance of things not being good as a possible state of being allowed me to stop running and I became more pragmatic. Cause it seems that for many, things aren’t fine. The world is in a state that has lots of us deeply worried, but among all the chaos and the risks and horrible things that are happening there’s us, the few inches in front of our faces, how we feel and how we treat those we care about. And that’s basically it. Everything else is just stories.

I decided to accept the world as a broken place and manage the little capabilities I have for the better support of the few I have the power to make a difference on, and idk it’s helped. I’m not saying this is universally good advice or helps anyone on a collective level, ofc. I don’t know you or what works for you.

My point is we can always come to terms with our grief and be pragmatic about the those we care about, regardless of our different ways to handle it. Seeing the world go to hell is a grieving process too. In my case accepting my own inner pain has at least spared me the pain and fear of running away from it.

I don’t know how well this applies to you and I understand it might not be anywhere near what you were looking for. I’m sorry. I really am. The world’s a mess and we’re all supposed to act normal. I wish it wasn’t like this. The problem is it is, and we feel the way we do. So are we just gonna keep denying being overwhelmed? Just keep bottling it up all day every day?

idk. It’s ok to be sad, mad, scared and overwhelmed. They’re not pleasant feelings, but they’re just feelings. They only have power over us when we try to escape from them

You stay strong and take care of yourself. Thanks for sharing and I really hope things get better.

D:<

That happens to me too. I sometimes just don’t sleep out of… idk… spite? Not sure if that makes sense or not but it’s like “screw you, pudutr0n, you don’t get to sleep more. me and the boys are going out to have fun!”

I’m sorry about your little boy and I hope he’s not as cranky as you expect. You’re doing good work raising a little human with care and support. Not everyone has the same consideration.

Hope you have a great day. Peace to you, RizzoTheSmall.

I was fearing someone else would also be struggling with this.

Sounds like a plan! And anytime. You take care of yourself now, and I hope things pick up for you as well.

Don’t want to hijack this or anything, but following the news, even from here (a faraway land), was wreaking havoc on my mental health. I had to stop reading about it and looking at the news. It started feeling like looking at gore at some point. Just scratching some morbid itch about wanting to see horrible things. Since the outer world seemed lost, I started working on my inner world. I’m by no means a completely satisfied person, but I can tell you I’ve felt better. My life, circumstances have not improved one bit and the risks I and we all face have not changed, if not gotten worse, but I’m in a better place. Not a great one, but better.

I really hope things get better for everyone.

Idk. detachment can be an advantage. So can carelessness and refusal to act. Definitely not all the time for all things but in the right circumstances all those things could save your life.

I get what you mean though and I’m sorry. I’ve struggled with depression a lot and it’s horrible. I wish I had the solution, pixeltree. I really do. I think it has to do with listening to myself, but can’t be really sure because I’m not fully past my own demons yet either.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to explain. Hope you feel better soon and it becomes easier to endure.

Noooooooooooooooooooooo I hate sleeping in the wrong position, and yeah it sounds like you have a bad case of that.

Idk how to help you get through the pain tbh. Siatica can be horrible. Sorry. Hope you feel better soon and if we don’t speak till then, good luck on the interview tomorrow!

I believe in you, Ardyssian. You got this.

That sounds like a lot you’ve been dealing with since the holidays and the work situation sounds complex too. I’m glad your mental state is getting better, though.

I’ve done setraline. Didn’t do much to me but everyone reacts differently. I hope you can settle on your new role too and wish you the very best.

Thanks for telling us a little bit about your world and I hope things work out for you. , Sweetpeaches69.

Ooooh you’re gonna get that fresh passport smell!! mmMMMmm plastic that lets you cross gates with armed guards. :D

Congrats on the awesome goal and it’s good you’re making plans! Videos of airports sounds umm… well, I guess you gotta get psyched somehow. hehe. I’m really glad you’re getting in the right headspace too.

I hope you get your passport soom and have amazing, wonderful adventures everywhere around the world, and all your wildest dreams not only come true, but are surpassed beyond your imagination. No, seriously. I hope you have good travels. The time I spent traveling changed my life for the best.

Godspeed, Elaine Cortez. Godspeed and thanks for sharing a little bit about your life. :)

Well first of all, congrats on the kid and good for you for owning up on it and adapting to their arrival. Might be scary but seems like you’re handling that well so kudos. I’m sorry the days are hard right now. Hope you can make that career change work. To me it’s been weird. Opportunity comes at the strangest times and to me it’s all been about keeping my eyes open. Good luck and thanks for taking your time to tell and and us about your life. Much appreciated, cod.

Woah! Congrats! Feels so good to have hard work recognized. I bet you’ve been doing an awesome job too. If I had to bet, probably well deserved.

Thanks for sharing and have a nice day Joeyowlhouse.

I hear that, Metju. I really do.

Most of the most miserable moments of my life where during times i had everything “on paper”, as in… the check list of “things you need to be happy” was complete. Nowadays I’m poorer, unhealthier, have less friends, have a worse job, no partner, and basically have nothing glamorous to brag about… but I’m about a hundred times happier than I was back when i had the full checklist.

It’s funny cause I want some of those things back now, despite knowing how irrelevant they are. There’s something about me wanting to lie to myself about how important those things are and my happiness being up to them and not myself.

Yeah, human psyche is fucked. I guess the lies we tell each other to get status, money or votes we end up believing and then we go on these wild goose chases.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with self hatred. If it’s of any value to you at all, you seem like an insightful person and I appreciate you taking your time to share your thoughts and feelings with me.

Take care, Metju.

wat

Yeah it seems like the year’s been so long and it’s not even april yet. Crazy stuff.

I’m glad you were doing well yesterday. Thanks for sharing!