Not often. Used cars, at least where I am, are all pretty pricey, and with rent and shit being out of control, I’m not surprised younger people can’t afford to save enough to buy one outright. I’m lucky to be older and I bought my current car at 0% interest in 2012. I’m keeping it until it gives up because I know we’ll never see that kind of deal again.

Yeah my insurance coverage is good, but they don’t have nearly enough therapists on staff to keep up with demand, so it’s not super beneficial. I quit going because I could only ever get in once a month or so and it was frustrating to try to work through something major on that time frame. I want to go full grippy socks, every day intensive therapy at this point but, you know, I gotta eat, so I’m not sure that’s really an option.

I don’t think I’d kill myself because I’d feel obligated to make sure all my stuff was disposed of first so no one had to deal with it, and it’s less energy to keep surviving at this point.

Haha it’s funny because I seriously considered checking myself into the hospital this morning because I want to die but there’s just too many logistical hurdles. We’re having fun in the US, aren’t we? Goooood times.

You know, I’ve developed a twitch in my left eye the last week or so, and I feel like every day, I see more reasons why that might be.

A very large breakfast burrito, maybe.

I think the “with a massive arsenal” is a big part of the problem for a lot of people. I am absolutely certain Trump, and most of his administration, wouldn’t think twice about using that arsenal against Americans. He would love that shit, frankly, and the vast majority of Republicans would cheer it on. Shit, they’re threatening to send people to El Salvador for misdemeanors because it’s hurting Elon’s fee-fees. How do you get people motivated to fight what feels like a completely futile battle when the danger isn’t really hypothetical and the odds of success are far from guaranteed?

Plenty of countries in similar states don’t rise up for many years because it takes that long for desperation to kick in, or there’s an initial fight that’s brutally put down and then those that are left put their heads down and focus on survival. Our first civil war happened on relatively even ground. This one would be so one-sided that it’s not even funny.

I don’t say this to discourage people or suggest we shouldn’t at least try to make a difference. But it is the reality and it’s something I’m struggling with. I don’t know how willing I am to die for a country I’m only sometimes welcome in.

That’s the thing - this is only barely not normal. It’s definitely more in your face, and a lot tackier, but the US has never been great, at least not for anyone straight, white, male, and relatively well off. Our history started with theft and genocide and continued on in that vein. While there have obviously been improvements over the last few hundred years, large portions of the population have had to be dragged kicking and screaming toward every bit of it. Even most of our best presidents have been responsible for atrocities, and then the pendulum always seems to swing back toward the worst of us for a while.

Now we have a population that has been systematically under- or uneducated and fed a steady diet of propaganda about how incredible this country is without any critical thought, and they blame anyone not just like them for any of their problems instead of ever paying attention to the wealthy ransacking the place. The vast majority of them cannot be reasoned with, because Republicans have spent decades making sure they don’t have the skills or desire to look at new evidence and change their minds.

It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that at least a third of my fellow Americans don’t think I should exist as a queer person, and another third don’t give enough of a fuck to bother taking any kind of stand. It’s hard to watch every institution we’ve been assured would provide some kind of checks and balances fail as soon as someone decides they’re no longer going to abide by any norms. Any meaningful action is likely to end up in a lot of death and if I thought this was a bizarre one off instead of something way too many people are rooting for, it would be a lot easier to think that sacrifice was worth it. It feels pretty hopeless at this point. My only real motivation is trying to use the little bit of privilege I have to try to help my community, but I know it’s not enough.

I don’t speak to any of my extended family, but I’m hoping the fact that there’s been so much shitty behavior that none of them would want to expose any more of it via DNA. My mom already has 8 siblings she knows of, it wouldn’t be a surprise if there were a couple more out there, and pretty much all of my uncles are the type to have affairs.

Yeah it’s exhausting being told, “do something, you guys all have guns there!” when no, many of us don’t, and even if Trump doesn’t declare martial law, our police are militarized and they love killing people. Oh, and let’s not forget that it’s legal to drive in to protestors now, apparently, or to show up armed with the express intent of starting shit and then get away with murder because it was “self defense” as long as you’re a republican.

And then what? That’s just suicide with more steps and we’re left with fewer reasonable people trying to improve things. Sorry that trying to keep people in my community fed and housed isn’t glamorous or effective enough for the foreign internet but I’m doing my fucking best. I’m so tired and my brain says to just end it, but I know if I do, that’s one less set of hands to help.

Huh. Have any of them considered a job? If the mom was capable of driving her child to another state to murder some people, I bet she could drive for uber or something. Or be a getaway driver for other criminals, idk.