I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I’ve been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just “get over it”. I’ve lost almost everyone I’m close to because of this and I’m starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it’s unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
I too had to completely rebuild my friend network after my divorce. It was and still is to some degree an ongoing issue. I also had support from my mother. All of my close friends either ghosted me or literally took the side of my exw. Seeing people I knew for a decade or more walk away or take the side of my ex was humiliating and hurtful.
My ex was an expert on abuse. She was a counselor and therapist herself. Knew all the tricks.
That was 15 years ago. The first year is hard. After that, it gets better because you will focus on yourself, physically and mentally. And you’ll be careful about future people, friendly but cautious, maybe wary. Try to remember who you were before marriage. The second year will be better, healthier. You’ll still have moments of grief and sadness and loss but you’ll be OK. It’ll give you time to regain ownership over yourself.
In time, you’ll be good, maybe 33M, and thankful you don’t have a cheating abusive person in your life to steal more years from you. You got this.
Thank you man.
Bro. We’re men. No one cares about us or our feelings. When you come to grips with that. You can explore more self healing directions to go. No one wants to hear about our problems. Also. Your friends are not friends. Find new people if you can.
Trust me. After my ex cheated on me and left me. I felt like death for years.
BUT! It definitely will get better one morning. Just keep your chin up. Brush off the anxiety and go out and see the world.
I was in a similar situation about 8 years ago. Married my dream girl, she seemed perfect for those years of flirting and dating. Didn’t really notice that she’d slowly separated me from my support network. After we got married it was like a switch was flipped, I was always on the defensive, everything I did was wrong, I was always the bad guy. Woke up one day feeling like it’d be better if I just wasn’t around anymore. Stewed in my misery for months before realizing one evening that there was a source of my misery. Spent another couple of months feeling too embarrassed to do anything. Then one day she was giving me shit over some nonsense and I just blurted it out. It wasn’t easy, but things slowly got back on track. I focused on myself and what was in my control, got back in shape, found time for hobbies I’d left behind, brought myself the joy that was missing. Now I’m happily married to an amazing woman who’s provided me with an equally amazing child and it’s hard for me to even remember the anguish I was going through.
Obviously our situations aren’t the same, but I just wanted to share and let you know that things get better. Some friends will filter back in, some won’t. Any mutual friends I had with my ex are just gone, she made sure to put barriers between us with shit talking and lies; fuck them too, they weren’t true friends.
Thank you for the words man
Same here. My ex husband told everyone that I cheated on him. I mean, considering the fact that nobody ever asked for my side of the story, I suppose they weren’t really friends anyway.
I told everyone she cheated on me too which backfired amazingly lol
She told everyone I requested an open relationship so it didn’t count
Master manipulator
I mean, basically you failed to cultivate deep and meaningful relationships with other people is the problem. Did you ever open up to your friends about anything before your break up? Did they ever open up to you, or come to you with their problems? Did you have friends who were “your friends” who you often hung out with while she didn’t?
I’m a guy. I have male friends. I would support them in an instant if they were going through a breakup. I would expect my male friends (and my female friends) to do the same. Is this rare or weird? I dunno. I’m just me. I don’t have experience living anyone else’s life. But I’d recommend finding some friends who can form a support network for you whether or not it is “normal”. If it’s normal, be normal. If it isn’t, fuck being normal. Go be weird.
That’s messed up. I can’t stand people who lie, I’m mad for you
Well at one point i did suggest an open relationship but she didn’t agree to it haha
…the plot thickens lol
Yeah it doesn’t really matter now though haha
We learn from our mistakes don’t we? Hows it go, it’s only truly a mistake if we don’t learn from it.
It’s still your liberation day, and I still wish you the best in finding what you need in life. Love a good fresh start, be kind to yourself out there, stay genuine to your heart.
My circle of friends before and after my divorce are almost completely different. Only 1 of my college friends stuck around. And my ex straight up moved across country. So it’s not like they were supporting her and not me. I would recommend you do what I did. Pick up a hobby that requires you to interact with other people. I picked up dancing and Dungeons and Dragons. It really helped me build new friendships and restart my life. It really sucks, and it’s extra hard building relationships when you are in your current state, but it does help.
Yes, you appear to have shitty people around you, and sadly it is very common for men to deal with this after a divorce. Keep talking to a counselor, dude.
I still remember the look of dawning realization on my little brothers face, when he complained to me of the same lack of support from friends, as he endured a nasty divorce, and I pointed out that he had never once contacted me during my own divorce… People who are in their own marriages, feel threatened and uncomfortable when others are divorcing. People who have never been through a divorce themselves, usually don’t know how to respond. Grief is not something most people train for, or know how to deal with until it happens to them personally, so you may find more support and empathy from older friends or relatives. Don’t forget to look forwards sometimes, too. There is life after divorce, even though it may take a little while to realize it.
Yeah that’s a tough one and all too common. As someone with a similar story: it’s not you.
There’s definitely a gender stereotype thing where men aren’t expected to need help, but the other side may be that they don’t know how or when to give help. I know I was certainly clueless until it happened to me. Of course I would do anything to help my buddies if they asked, but it would never occur to me to offer nor even ask. Pretty shitty, I know, but that’s what society expects. I don’t know if your friends were true friends, but is it possible they don’t know what to do?
I’m happy you have a counselor so there’s at least one person there for you. It’ll take time but stick with it. You can do it.
For me I had my kids. I try not to lean on them but definitely still have my life organized around them, so the worst of the divorce may still be ahead of me when they’re in college this fall and it hits me I have no one. It’s also really helped to have my ex’s dog. I warned her she was not in a place to care for a dog but she got one anyway. Works pretty well for me: I’m not home enough to care for a dog, but we effectively have joint custody so I get the dog when I am home. I’ve been somewhat successful starting new hobbies but as an introvert I haven’t been able to turn it into new social connections. Yet.
Hopefully there’s something encouraging in there for you, or at least know that it’s not just you
They’re not friends, they’re acquaintances at best.
I’m sorry this is happening to you, hopefully you can find some better people to put your energy into. If not, Lemmy is a pretty supportive place. Sometimes strangers are nicer than friends.
If the people you thought you were close to have ghosted you and are supporting her instead, consider that she may not be honest about the reasons you are divorced and has convinced them she is the sole victim.
It sounds horrible, and one would hope a true friend would ask for your story first. But it’s pretty common to readily believe the women are the victims in unhealthy relationships, especially of men.
We dont want to judge, dismiss or blame victims, so we readily believe people when they claim to be one. This is especially true of women.
You need to find a new circle. Pick up a new hobby with a community. Kung Fu for me was great. Exercise aside, the classmates are supportive and the community is great.
Find one that would work for youI’m three years out of being divorced after 15 years of marriage.
It, yeah, um… yeah, dude. I got the same treatment. People’s immediate family and lives all take precedent.
I basically took gasoline and a match to my life predating 2022 and went scorched earth in retaliation. Now I’m mostly family, or fuck off while I keep my head in books and hobbies.
People imo are the ultimate letdown, held up by the idea that humanity means something. It doesn’t. Pet a cat.
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Those aren’t your friends and never were, good people don’t treat each other like this.
Your ex sounds like my ex, narcisist who is definitely playing victim behind your back.
You’re still young, there’s loads more out there now! I’ve found as I’ve got older the dating aspect of life is better than in my 20s . I dunno what else to say except for there’s loads to live for man.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know it sucks. The truth is, nobody cares about a man’s suffering. There’s something in a man’s weakness that repulses most people. Even people that like you and would love to see you do good. When I went through the same I realized the only people who care are close family, people who can relate and people who have some interest in you. It sucks but you must know it’s not about you.
That being said you have both sides to take into account. Your so-called friends are not your friends and they never were. Period. Erase them from your life. They deserve even less thoughts than your ex. When the chips are down they showed you what they were about. Now you know how worthless they are. Some people are not as lucky and stay in toxic and superficial “friendships” for years and that stops them from finding actual good friends.
And, non withstanding all that, a depressed and sad person is not a good company. It brings you down. And that’s OK because we make sacrifices for the people we love. But if the person is in a vicious cycle of negativity and always complaining to the same person, it gets tiresome pretty fast. I’m not saying it’s your case, it’s just something to keep your mind on. Friends should support you but only you can actually fix yourself. Usually time heals everything but, if it’s not, it’s your responsibility to take care of your mental health (therapist, psychiatrist, etc). There’s only so much a friend can do for you. And don’t put all that weight on one person. Spread it around.
And stop talking crazy about ending it. It hurts. It’s one of the worst pains I ever felt. It’s almost unbearable. But it does get better. And eventually you will feel whole again. It’s a hard road but there is paradise up ahead. But for now you have to walk through hell to reach it. But I promise you, it will be worth every step.
“nobody cares about a man’s suffering” This is simply untrue and I can’t take your story seriously after reading this line, it does sound like youve begun to work on some stuff for yourself, but might be some more to go still. I still got shit,
I’ve watched nearly every man in my bloodline go down the shitty, self hating, misogynistic, alcoholic poor me sad life cycle my entire life. It saddens me most that a lot of these guys had/have great parts about them but choose not to work out their demons, go to a therapist or take accountability for their own actions.
It saddens me the most to watch a man go through life feeling alone, ashamed, and unable to talk about how he is feeling. To watch them chose “masculine” coping, ie: drinking beer and whiskey, while making wife bad jokes and watching action movies to drown out the brain noise. I breifly dated a man who told me he didnt like looking in the mirror because he hated himself so much it made him want to punch the mirror, so he just avoided the mirror. He never went to therapy but came home with a six pack of beer everyday from work religiously. It’s fucking sad, and I hope that guy is doing better today.
And to mention, easily a third of the men I have dated/known/or were family, as young boys, were raped. They just stuff it and live with it. No one talks about how often boys are raped by other men, men they are supposed to trust, and they just go on with life internalizing that shit. Its fucked. Dare I say we need a men’s me too? Even one guy I dated at one point told me his adopted father had raped him when he was 12, but it only happened once so he forgave it. They acted like a happy family outside of this. My jaw fucking dropped. Then you see the maladaptive habit, he was the type who didn’t wash his ass because it could make you gay. Everytime I hear someone making a joke about a man who doesn’t wash his ass, I no longer think it’s funny. I think he might have been raped as a child. Imo we need larger discourse about it, because the pattern can repeat. Internalized shame is poisen.
It all feels out of my control so I just try and do what I can for the people close to me. All in all, It’s okay to make mistakes, its okay to be wrong, a lot of people, all people, many of them struggle admitting they were wrong. It’s also not your fault if you were put in a vulnerable situation. It’s not a sign of weakness. A lot of time thats the only ticket to a demon free brain is just accepted its okay to make mistakes and be wrong, and its not your fault if a bad thing happened to you as an actual victim.
No one cares about men’s mental health, that’s ridiculous. I was 13 years old giving my 40 year old alcoholic father pep talks on how to manage his emotions for christsake. Lmao I really thought I could help him then. I could not-
I have always cared, and many other women do too. But no one knows whats going on unless you use your voice. I’ve watched so many men suffer over the years. It pains me as much as anyone elses suffering, if not more because yall don’t build networks for yourself and often it doesn’t feel safe for you to express yourselves, and thats tragic.
I see this rhetoric all the time online and I will fiercely express, I am a woman, and I care. There are others who care too, stop spreading nonsense.
Look, I’m glad you took that off your chest. My point still remains and I won’t be shamed into silence. And no, it’s not your fault or any gender in particular. Hell, it is a problem of toxic masculinity, and both women and men are to blame.
I’m glad you care and please, keep caring. It does make a difference. Mentalities change one person at a time.
You talk about men “choosing” unhealthy ways to deal with pain and grief. I’m sorry, but you have no idea what it is to be a man. Your intentions may be good but you can never truly understand how lonely male existence is because you haven’t experienced it. Same way I can never truly understand what it is being put down and condescended for being a woman, among other things. I see it, and it troubles me, but I never experienced it. I’m not arrogant to pretend I know how it feels.
This is my experience being a man. When you fall apart and become vulnerable everybody runs. Repulse is the right word. You can feel the contempt when you show that weakness. Both in men and women. This isn’t a men versus women thing. I’m not talking about SO’s running away when we’re weak. While it does happen, in my experience a SO is one of the few people you can actually show vulnerability. That, family and, if you’re lucky, a few close friends. Beyond that, our society simply isn’t wired to accept weakness on a man. It’s not men’s fault, it’s not women’s fault, it’s the culture itself.
Can it be fixed? I don’t know. Either way, I feel frustrated by it and it’s my right to voice that frustration.
I know it can be fixed. It takes time for cultures to shift, but there is a solution.
Voice your frustrations, always voice your frustrations. Lead by example and be vulnerable in front of other men. Never silence your voice, I hear you here. Loud and clear.
Younger dudes who haven’t gone through shit aren’t able to empathize with what you are going through. They don’t have the emotional maturity to understand how and when someone needs some support. Finally they are still fighting against what they think society expects a man to be. All of which means that men hide their feelings from other men and expect other men to do the same or else they are week or something is wrong with them. Which is complete and utter bullshit. You are not the problem their programing and lack of life experience is.
With all that being said. How are you doing today? Are you able to get out and socialize this weekend? Have you considered picking up a new hobby that you have to do with other people? I recommend scuba diving. Good luck and check back in periodically because we want you to thrive.
Why do you assume that OP only has/had male friends?
Women are also fed lies that men don’t need emotional support. Also, women are told constantly that men don’t want to be friends with them and only want sex.
So there’s a good chance his friends that are women think he’s not having a hard time and/or he wants to sleep with them instead of talk.
I’m sorry OP that you are going through this. The advice to join an in person hobby or interest group is probably best. (To supplement your therapy)
Also, it’s also entirely possible, since it’s been 5 months, that everyone is overwhelmed with life and the world. I know I’ve not reached out as often to my friends the last 6 months (I’m stressed by country and the grief of losing my dad a few months ago.)
Also you say it seems like everyone is supporting your ex. Are they really? Or is she holding them hostage with her drama and steamrolling into their lives?
Seconding this. Because let’s face it, there absolutely is a pattern of women assuming the man is at fault and sticking with that assumption.
I can’t speak to the experience of an emotionally stunted woman.
Because it’s obviously true
